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Wednesday, August 13, 2008 { 11:44 pm } ;
0 repliesMy RJ question: Based on the comments made from Problem 1 to 15, how much have you grown?
& yes, another 16 weeks has passed for semester and 6 months went by like a breeze although it wasn’t as smooth as I expected. In fact, my grades this semester are really gonna pull my grades down to a 3 probably. All because I got off track from my initial goals and I didn’t have enough motivation to get back on gear.
Change is the most constant thing, but it is a choice between good and bad. I went through morphing once again and although the process seemed steady, the results turned out ugly. I do not like the feeling, or the absence of feelings or emotions. I feel dead, empty inside. It’s been so long since I felt ecstasy or simply being truly happy about something. My laughter have just been for short bouts, I smile only when necessary and I snap easily. I can’t always blame the hormones but I just dunno where the fault lies.
Yes, I’ve build a wall around my heart again and vowed not to let just anyone touch it for fear of being hurt. I do not want to settle for anyone other than Mr Right. I’m trying not to think of a chance of a Mr Right Now. But why can’t I still be HAPPY like I used to with all that I have now?
I said I changed and I did. I think lesser of the boy for being more than a friend, but ponders why he treats me worse than others (in that I mean other (girl) friends or even classmates). I don’t bug myself with the thought, just occasionally. I’m working every other day and training 3x a week. This means I hardly go out, or rather no one asks me out to socialize. An added factor to that is my phone which runs out of battery so fast that no one can reach me unless it’s charging before I leave my home or once I’m back. So I became distant from the people around me, that the only person/people I’m seen hanging out with are Naz, Haha & J. I lose touch even before leaving the school and that’s BAD! But when I step back and look at the situation, I question myself, “is it me? did I not initiate enough? or am I really forgotten easily?”
I guess alot of us changed throughout the semester. The cliques grew stronger even as we meet new people and make more friends. I began to see where i stand, presently and probably in the future. but who am i to say this, i can't tell what the future holds. All I know is that I should enjoy every moment as if it's my last with people who truly care. But in contrary, I need to carry out my plans for my future goals. I've yet to learn to balance this.
I guess I just need to learn to smile again.
& Ramadan month is coming, a day after the Nike+ Human Race! That also meant that Hari Raya is in 2 months and I need to revamp my room although hardly anyone visits or enters my room. I need to throw away all my sister's things including the gifts she got from her students (yes kids, do not spend so much on teacher's day gifts cos they might just end up in the bin. LOL!) and my textbooks tat i still keep thinking tat i'ld still need them (hell NO!). & i need to get a shoe rack, new sheets and frames to at least put up my printed poster of James Dean. heh. speaking of which, i'm trying to work my ass off to buy these stuffs plus put aside some for dinner with many many people in the fasting month. i so need to catch up with nina & lex, sarah(ciqken), the cookers and especially my jie YANG YANLING! i still owe her a birthday treat since april! we're both so busy tat we can only bump into one another. sheesh. i do miss a lot of people actually..
nvm, next month loves!
